Yeah. About That...

What a difference a week makes, no? When last we spoke, I mentioned we thought we'd found a house we could live with. All this might sound like we're settling, because we love a lot about my current house. But it's all about location, location, location. So we're prepared to give up a certain amount of square footage and so forth, as long as the neighborhood is right. Turns out, the home I mentioned was not the one for us.

But, as TFMD mentioned in her post, we found one. After over a year of house hunting, this was the first home we walked into and could immediately see ourselves living there.
It's not ours yet. We're still in the inspection/financing process, but we expect it to go pretty quickly. Halloween (fingers crossed) will be in my first new home in 15 years. A perfect new start for the Celtic New Year.

In the meantime, between back to school, wedding plans and housing, I've been feeling mentally and emotionally besieged, and that has manifested in the usual inward retreat, monosyllabic interactions and a general frowny face. This week has been especially frantic, thus the lack of posting. I'll get back into the swing of things as the schedule smooths out.

And tomorrow, I get to see some friends I've not seen in about three years. Sweet deal!

Oopsie.

I haven't gone into too much detail about Tyler recently because a) he's almost 15 and I have a modicum of respect for his privacy when it comes to public discussion, and b) it's not really anyone's business. But something came up over the past 24 hours that has me fuming - and it's not about Tyler, per se. It's about a teacher.

Last Wednesday, I attended an IEP meeting at the high school, with Tyler and the IEP "team". An IEP is an Individualized Education Program, geared toward helping students who may have emotional disorders or learning disabilities succeed in public school. Keep in mind that three of my four grandparents were public school educators (as is my brother), and I've always given public education a slight benefit of the doubt in terms of the teachers and administrators really caring about my kids and what happens to them.

Also keep in mind that Tyler's most recent IEP was started at the end of 8th grade, and did not get put in place until last Wednesday. So I was understandably skeptical that anything was going to happen. And thusly very pleasantly surprised when I found a very competent and caring teacher assigned to Tyler's case. All seven of us in the meeting (including and especially Tyler) put ideas on the table and together we hammered out what we think will be an effective educational program for my son.

Of course, such things, once implemented, take time to show results.

So let's catch up: IEP meeting last Wednesday. Tyler in school on Thursday. Home study on Friday and Monday. Back on-site at school on Tuesday & Wednesday.

Wednesday night, I received an exasperated email from one of Tyler's teachers, saying how disruptive he was and how she was doing everything asked of her by his IEP (which had only become officially implemented at the beginning of this week), and aren't there any expectations of Tyler in all of this? As if we'd bend over backwards to make Tyler's school experience soft and cushy without standards of behavior and a mechanism to hold his feet to the fire and pony up some personal responsibility.

That perturbed me a bit, but it was late and I let it go, not wanting to fret about it all night.

Then, first thing this morning, another email arrived, from another teacher echoing the sentiments of the first teacher. He ended the email with "has anyone thought about contacting CPS?"

You're f**ing kidding me.

CPS??

Really?

I wonder if the teacher realized that both Tyler and I are on the email list. Oopsie.

Now, I'm all for the existence of Child Protective Services. It's unfortunate that they have to exist, but it's a generally good thing they're in place. When Tyler was two, he took a header off the front porch while Sam was gardening, had a seizure of sorts, and ended up in the ER at Children's Hospital. Before we were allowed to leave, we were interviewed by a case worker from CPS - just to make sure we weren't beating our child. After the initial shock (and a bit of insult, to be sure), we both realized that it was good that someone was looking out for Tyler's well-being like we were.

However, you don't call CPS if a student is being disruptive. You don't assume things are bad at home because one of your thirty kids is making the already herculean task of teaching that much more difficult. In fact, if a teacher suspects abuse at home, he or she is REQUIRED by law to contact CPS, not just bat the concept around dismissively. And you certainly don't jump on the bandwagon before there has been adequate time to distill some results.

I'm just a bit ticked off. Well, more than a bit. Okay... a LOT.

After more than a year, we finally have an IEP in place, and a caring IEP team to facilitate. In most things, I'm firmly on the side of teachers. But these teachers are not making it easy to be on their side.

(Welcome to) Hell Week

The weekend was a lot fuller than we'd anticipated, even with the subtraction of the Always... Patsy Cline show at ACT (I've never been there, and the Google directions were way off, so we changed our tickets). It meant that we actually had a little down time before running off to dinner at Kyle & Mandi's. I love having them as friends, and talking shop is always fun. Kyle played us some of the new Collider CD, and I complimented him on how "in-his-element" he sounded.

Sunday was coffee with Ron, followed by decorating and prep for the Oscar party I volunteered to host. I have GOT to stop volunteering to host every gathering that comes up - it's just that I love to host gatherings, and it's so much easier to worry about childcare when you're in your own home. We had seven people plus the two of us, all eating, drinking and guessing on the awards.

And now we begin a week so packed with stuff I can't think straight and my head gets all swimmy. Kids start Tae Kwon Do. Both have counseling. Kayleigh has after school programs. Tyler has a doctor appointment and full blood panel. We have a family dinner in Ballard, a Costco run for supplies for Saturday's shoot, and a production meeting for said shoot, plus another dinner on Friday. Madness, I tell ya.

And then there's the issue of TFMD's cervix. I wasn't gonna blog about this, but since she laid it out there, I will just add that it's got me worried. Not because I think anything IS wrong, but due to my experience with cancer, what COULD be wrong. I know better than to dwell there, but I'm not gonna lie and say it hasn't crossed my mind. I offered to take her to her appointment today, but she opted for the best-girlfriend option and that's cool. I knew she was a bit freaked yesterday when she came home from dress shopping. We have a few things on the schedule this evening, but hopefully we can retire early.

Lots going on in both of our noggins, to be sure. I just want to get through the week and burn some tape* on Saturday.

"burn some tape" = shoot a movie

Under Construction...

Sorry for the lack of post today (really need to do a good Weekend Update). Really busy with kids and school stuff. I hope to get a few minutes to post tonight.

...And They're OFF!

Monday didn't disappoint. Raechelle got off to work early, I got the kids to school on time, and that fortunately set the tone for the day. Any morning when I don't have a major battle with one of the kids is an achievement.

Got a bunch of busy work done, and crashed for a cat nap before Raechelle and her cousin Butch (husband of Tricia - I'll get all the players down*, I swear) came over. Katherine made dinner with the kids while I drove Rae & her guest downtown to Pike Place Market. We grabbed dinner at The Pike, and walked Butch around a bit. I think he likes our town.

We came back and showed him OA, which he thoroughly enjoyed, and the two of them headed back to Ballard. I have a Duo script conference tomorrow night, and seeing OA again has jump-started my creative impulse. I sense a return to the OA series pilot tomorrow.

*Speaking of players, Stanford beat SJSU on Saturday, bringing them to 2-2 nationally and 1-1 in their division. I would have liked to watch the game (as they are both hometown schools) along with a few others, but with moving Dan & Trish, that wasn't "in the cards" (get it? The Stanford Cardinals? "In the cards"? Sigh).

Before the kids and when they were very young, we could watch a couple games a day, or at least have them on in the background while we were being productive. Sam & I used to follow Stanford, Cal, and UW college ball, the 49ers, Raiders, and Seahawks (and Mariners, on the baseball side), and could spend a whole day in our PJs watching double-headers. The Olympics were sacrosanct. I could waste an entire day watching World Cup soccer or Irish hurling or lacrosse (anyone else feel a promo for The Ocho coming on?). But for the past several years, there has always been something to do, something to clean, some disaster to confront, somebody to care for, as much as we would have liked to just veg out in front of sports for an entire day (or weekend).

I long for the ability to just veg out in front of football for a whole day and not feel guilty about it. I freely admit it's old conditioning, and I'm working on overcoming it. Maybe Thanksgiving weekend. I'm sure Rae would be okay with that.

Sigh. I can dream, can't I? Fer gawd sake, let me have my dream!

This is a bye week for the Hawks, and the weekend after that, they're in NY to face the Giants. Let's hope they can build up their 1-2 record a bit. We'll be in Port Townshend that weekend, but I'm sure it will be viewable/audible in some fashion. And I think I'll ask Rae to bring her TV over next weekend so I can watch the Stanford-UW game Saturday night while she and Kayleigh are girling it up with the birthday slumber party.

Tomorrow I have another doctor appointment, and then Wednesday Rae & I celebrate 4 months together. And on we go...

Open House

After a craptacular morning yesterday, I got home and tried to write. No luck. Funny how fighting with your teenager can take all the wind out of your sails. I burned a bunch of CDs I'd promised the girl, ran a couple errands and crashed out for a much needed 2-1/2 hour nap.

I felt better, and was looking forward to counseling. Unfortunately it turned out to be a waste of time and money. Tyler kept playing with a helium balloon he'd found out in front of the community center, rolling around on the floor, and deflecting the counselor's questions. When both kids lapsed into a giggle fit, I gave up. Don't get me wrong - I love to see my kids happy. I live for those giggle fits. But I was also hoping we could make some progress on Tyler and his relationship with others in his family. Alas, it was not to be.

Got home with a black cloud over my head. Discovered Raechelle reading her book on the sofa. We chatted awhile, then walked down to grab some teryaki before walking up to Denny for Kayleigh's open house.

Let me reiterate: Raechelle went to my daughter's open house. She took notes and talked to the teachers. She's dissected the school website. She knows when picture day is. It's pretty damn close to being a real family.

I won't lie. Sometimes I see where we're going and I panic a little. You see, there's a bit of a security blanket to being a widower, a single dad. There's some social leeway in that status. You get sympathy. You get help. You can be antisocial at your whim and people chalk it up to grief. And there's also the fact that I got used to being a single dad. Sure, it's hard; it's damn near overwhelming sometimes. But I got to where I not only could do it, but I'm pretty proud of the fact that I navigated my own immediate grief while providing a loving and stable home for my kids, helped them through their grief (as much as I could), ran my household and a couple businesses, and even managed to date. For over three years. I kick ass.

So I have some idea as to what Raechelle is talking about - she finally got out of her "couple" identity and became a strong, single woman. And now, here we are. I guess the Universe doesn't tolerate getting too comfortable in a given situation.

At least Raechelle isn't the only one having mini-freakouts. Kind of evens the playing field. This is exactly what each of us wants... which is why it's so scary sometimes. It's the crest of the rollercoaster, just before the first drop. You know it's gonna be fun. And scary. And your stomach wants to crawl into your throat (and if you're a guy, your nuts want to follow suit).

It's a good panic.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch:
After Raechelle left, I finished up some emails and put the kids to bed, following suit immediately. Awoke at 4AM. Jeez. Finally rolled out of bed at 6, showered and dressed. Took Kayleigh to school, came home and crashed for an hour and a half. Exchanged some emails with the girl and finished this very blog post. Tyler's having some cold symptoms, so it's lucky I'm taking the kids in for physicals today.

Really looking forward to the weekend. Helping Dan & Trish move, looking at a couple houses, and of course there will be movies.

Crankypants

Some mornings really make you question whether or not you have the skills to be a parent. This was one of those mornings. Tyler was (and is) slipping into the same patterns that got him in trouble last year, and I refused to let it slide. It came to the point of physically removing him from the car in front of the school, locking the doors and driving away as he punched the passenger side window.

It's like taking a kid who knows how to swim and throwing him in the deep end, hoping to God you've motivated him enough to keep himself from drowning.

Hence the parental skill quandary. Grrrrrr.

I did have a fantastic evening with Raechelle last night, courtesy of Gavin & Michelle, who swooped in at the last minute to cover for the sitter who had to bail out. After wandering all over Fremont for twenty minutes, we finally found "parking". Walked to dinner at Blue C, then hoofed it to ToST (a comfy little dive) to watch Paul Benoit do a fantastic set. I talked to him afterward, and he's interested in licensing music for our film projects. We exchanged info, he comped me some CDs (I'd already bought his first one online), and Raechelle sat there amazed at my schmoozing superpower. "Magnetic," I think she said.

My girlfriend called me "magnetic". That's awesome.

Counseling with the kids today (and not a moment too soon), then we have Kayleigh's school open house tonight - and Raechelle is coming to that. Gee, I think she's getting to like our family, as weird as we are.

Or maybe it's just because I'm magnetic.

Alki Makes It All Better

So, yesterday was, as the kids say nowadays, "the suxxorz". It seemed like every possible stresser in my life chose yesterday to crap all over me, after eating Indian food, Slim Jims and Wild Turkey.

Yeah, that bad.

I'm not gonna go into all of it here. Hell, I'm not gonna go into most of it here. Tyler/school issues. Work issues (serious writer's block). Health issues. Relationship issues. Money issues. Suffice to say, it was poopy, and I felt as if I'd been dragged under a truck down a gravel road. On fire.

Hey, what's with the overblown metaphors?

I should give big props to my daughter Kayleigh for finding me on the front porch and giving me a heck of a shoulder massage. Thanks honey. That was a bright spot in the day. As was hearing "you're the awesomest dad ever" at tuck-in time.

I also should mention Dan - you really helped by letting me vent, buddy. Thanks.

After said poopy day, which culminated in my actually cooking a nutritious dinner of multi-grain pasta and salad, negating same by slamming back a couple beers, and finally wrestling both of my lovely offspring into bed, I was ready to slip into my own bedtime coma and rest up for a better day.

Which started with me waking up at 5AM (WTF??). Undaunted, I headed upstairs to be proactive. I did some email, some research, took my supplements, did my isometrics, sent out a query to Rae's mom about Hurricane Ike, and then got the kids up and out. Another skirmish with Tyler, but no fatalities (although he is grounded this weekend). Dropped the kids at school and headed down to Alki with some kickass tea. You heard me. I used the words kickass and tea in the same sentence. Because I'm 6'4" and a deuce and a half, so I can effectively punch you in the face while drinking said kickass tea.

But Alki is not about punching people in the face. It's about calm. It's about recharging. As I sat on the cement steps, watching the tide come in, some movement caught my eye. Not twenty feet away from me, an osprey flapped its way inland with a whole fish clutched in its talons. The screenplay would have gone something like this:

OSPREY
Score!

FISH
[wriggle wriggle]
Shit.

It put my problems in perspective. I don't have to worry about where my next meal is going to come from. Nor do I have to worry about a big friggin' osprey hauling me away for breakfast. Nor do I have to worry about a hurricane blowing through my neighborhood. Perspective, man.

It's coming up on the end of a rough week. Being down at Alki the past two mornings has helped my outlook immensely. I'm fortunate to live in such a beautiful part of the country. I'm fortunate to have good friends, a supportive family, loving children (even at their worst, they are pretty damn cool), and a wonderful partner. That knowledge and perspective helps me to be able to weather a lot of crap.

Lunch with Raechelle today, and the weekend kicks off tomorrow with zombie movies! Huzzah!

Recharge

It's mornings like this when I'm glad I live so close to Alki beach.

Had our celebratory dinner with Raechelle at the California Pizza Kitchen at Northgate last night, but Rae was so frazzled from work that it was somewhat less celebratory than we both would have liked. Still, the food was good and afterward we went to Display & Costume to browse Halloween costumes and decor. I got a pair of little ghosties to hang from the porch roof with the skull lights (more detailed pictures coming at some point). Then we browsed the Christmas section and let ourselves become lost in that warm holiday feeling that comes from looking at beautifully decorated trees and white lights and crystal snowlakes. Turns out, Raechelle and I have the same holiday design aesthetic (classic/Victorian decor, reds and whites, white lights, no blinkies, etc). Go figure. It's been a long time since I've even wanted to decorate for the holidays, and I'm pretty much the first guy Raechelle's been with who has been into the holidays enough to want to decorate.

Even with the nice diversion of D&C, the energy was definitely low, so following a quick stop at Staples for school notebooks, we went home so Kayleigh could do her homework and I could fill out a gajillion school information forms and releases. Tyler complained of having no clean clothes, so I had him get a load of laundry together, then suggested we go to Target to get him some new track pants (you know, the kind that actually fit his rapidly expanding-in-all-directions 14yo frame), but he declined. He then waited until 9PM to make his own dinner, so there was a bit of conflict and lecture about time management. I hate having to give those lectures, but until he gets it, lecture I will. I tucked in the kids and fell asleep as my head hit the pillow at 10:30.

Woke up at 5:59AM from a disturbing dream (been having a few of those in recent months, all part of getting my past baggage squared away). I hate abrupt awakenings - the ones where you sit bolt upright, heart pounding, adrenalin surging. I don't remember what the dream was about, but at least I know it's a symptom of PTSD and can talk about it with the counselor. Came upstairs to find the remnants of Tyler's dinner project: an open can of tomato sauce, the lid to said can of tomato sauce on the opposite counter, splats of tomato sauce all over the freshly cleaned stove top, and the pot from the pasta dumped on the sink, half full of water (and the rest of the sauce dried to the top). So Tyler awoke to another lecture. That's gotta suck. I would hate to have me on my ass all the time.

My standing offer to the kids is for a one-way ride to school, as it allows us more time to prep in the morning. And my kids totally need that extra time (although they are slowly getting more of a handle on time management). Dropped Kayleigh at her school, then took Tyler across West Seattle to his. He fired an opening salvo of criticism regarding the notebooks I'd purchased, and my response was swift, surgical and left no room for argument. If he declined to go shopping for clothing and supplies when I offered, then he has no right to complain if I got the wrong stuff.

Silence.

Maybe he got it? Hope springs eternal.

After dropping off my surly boy at high school, I found myself so close to Admiral Way that I decided to recharge. I found a shady little spot by the Alki Tully's, grabbed a coffee and headed down to the beach to watch the fog burn away and the ferries go back and forth. It's so peaceful there in the mornings, as traffic (of both the wheeled and foot variety) is extremely sparse, and one can actually hear oneself think. I hadn't been to Alki on a quiet morning since last summer, so this was definitely what the doctor ordered. Feeling much more serene and energized, I returned home to take care of doctor appointments and financials (Q3 reporting is almost upon me).

Looking forward to a fun weekend. Zombie double feature on Friday night, trip to Bellingham on Saturday, and the 49ers play the Hawks in Seattle on Sunday. Hopefully our boys won't suck like they did last Sunday.

Oh, the New!

I invite my loyal readers to check out Raechelle's post (with pics) about our massive cleaning/organizing effort in the master bedroom. It's a totally different space in there now. And since I hate the wall color (not the color I thought I was getting when the house was rebuilt), I'm going to do a different scheme in there altogether.

Okay, so, backing up... Friday night vampires. Good stuff. Saturday morning, up early (bleh), took the kids to meet Katherine, and they went camping while Rae and I rolled up our sleeves.

I really should mention what a huge thing this is for me, sorting through not only fire salvage, but old files and Samantha memorabilia. And I got through the whole stack of boxes in my bedroom. Every now and then, I'd get a hug and kiss from Raechelle, and would continue purging. I got rid of a lot of junk (literally and figuratively) from my old life.

Raechelle took off in the afternoon for a celebratory lunch with Jamie (congrats!), while I ran errands, took boxes of stuff to my brother's house, and put up Halloween lights on the front porch area. The girl got back and we chilled awhile, then went to dinner and headed to the pie party. As Raechelle stated, we made three pies, hung out and socialized a bit, then took off home.

Up relatively early (what the hell is this pattern?!), prepped the house for our first brunch of the football season. Had a house full, with some good food and (thanks to the lousy performance by our Hawks) lots and lots of mimosas. After everybody left, we went back to cleaning, moved the cleaning out into the carport, then picked up the kids from camping. Dropped Tyler at home (by his request) and had dinner down at Bamboo Grill on Alki. Got back in time for jammies, tea and Family Guy.

Back to a normal schedule this morning. Dropped Kayleigh at school, then took Tyler to his first day at West Seattle High. They have some really great folks there. And he got the same web design elective that he had at Sealth! And to top it off, now he'll be a Metro veteran (Meteran?).

Orchestrating yard service and office tasks today. Since I'm not playing taxi all day, I'll hopefully be somewhat productive, although I've got an inflamed ear canal and a headache to match, so I may need to have an "old man" nap in the afternoon. Fortunately I have my first physical in over 5 years coming up this week. Raechelle was snuffly and a bit warm last night - hope it's not a cold (which would suck).

That's all for now... I know, aren't you just on the edge of your seats??

We're In!

Just got the call from West Seattle High. Tyler starts on Monday. I'm taking him in so he can plan a schedule with the counselor. And the school is 100% Metro bus - no school buses at all. All students get a Metro pass from the district.

And last night when Kayleigh and I were in Rite Aid, we ran into the mom of a Pathfinder friend of Tyler's, and it turns out he's at West Seattle High. Which makes at least three or four friends already there.

Sweet!

Good Day, Sir!

Yes, it was, actually.

After my moment of temporal clarity dropping my kids off at their respective new schools, I headed home to blog, shower and get some work done before heading out to Rae's work with a sushi picnic. It was great to be able to chat from more or less the same place on the path. I explained it thusly: it's not like I was waiting at the end of the path, it was like I was waiting for her to catch up with me in the middle so we could walk it together (velvet ropes and all).

Headed home to find a few things of interest in the mail, so that was nice. Walked to Westwood with Tyler, got a backpack for him and a knee brace for me (I'm starting a new low-impact physical regimen, but I want to make sure my knee is taken care of, regardless). Katherine came over to work in the garden, and later she and the kids walked to the store and brought home a big ol' steak to grill outside and eat with chard and broccoli stir fry and rice. Looks like there's a camping trip on the agenda for the kids this weekend, which is perfect timing.

Katherine and I caught up while the kids sat under the darkening sky out front on their blankets. My little guys are actually happy at having started school. Even Tyler is raving about how good his teachers are and how he loves his math class. There hasn't been a single "incident" between them. And he didn't crash out after school today, which means he will be ready for bed on time tonight!

I'm just savoring the day with a glass of wine (and hopefull a phone call from my girl at some point), trying not to jinx the bounty the Universe has laid before me.

Old Man

I awoke to the Psychedelic Furs "Love My Way" on KMTT this morning. That should have been my first clue. You know, that I've suddenly become an old man.

Kayleigh bounced into my room to hug me good morning, already dressed for the first day of school. Tyler followed, equally excited (buh??), and also tackled me in a good morning hug. We joked a bit, then I had them get packed up and shoes on, and we grabbed some muffins (and a coffee for me) at QFC.

Then I dropped my daughter off at middle school.

Then I dropped my son off at high school.

Then I wept a bit on the way home, and blew a little kiss at Sam. "They're growing up," I whispered, thinking of all the growth and development she's missed in the last three-plus years.

And I breathed a huge sigh of relief, knowing that I would not have to be the sole witness to my children growing up, and that - hopefully - this would be the last major step I'd have to walk them through alone. I will be able to share the future triumphs and challenges, the happy times, sad times and momentous occasions.

And that makes me very, very happy.

There Will Be a Test...

There you have it. Junior, leave the room.

Don't Wanna Jinx It...

...but I think I'm finally looking at the end of this bug. After a week of rasping and croaking, coughing and hacking, I actually had a relatively decent night's sleep, and have a bit more vocal tone. I'm sticking with the warm tea/lemon/honey and Vicks 44, and keep sucking on Ricola lemon-honey-echinacea drops (those things are miraculous).

It's been rough not seeing Raechelle for the last couple days, and I feel badly that I haven't been able to go care for her while she's been home from work sick. But we've been keeping up on the phone (as much as I can) and email, and have been developing an ever-deepening trust and respect. So I guess this physical separation is good for working on the more cerebral and emotional aspects of the blossoming relationship. Thankfully, I get to go have dinner with her tonight.

Blew through my Netflix this week - one of the only benefits of being sick with no voice. You can ignore the phone with impunity and watch movies. Yesterday I barely made it through Apocalypto, Mel Gibson's movie about how the Mayans were already on the verge of ruin when the Europeans arrived (so the resulting butchery and genocide wasn't really the fault of Catholic Spain). I can honestly say, after having seen both Apocalypto and The Passion of the Christ, Gibson was a much better filmmaker before the crazy. In his defense, his films are always beautiful, but they are also often extremely graphic and interminable, as well as not-so-subliminally partisan (and I say that as a fan of Braveheart). If I want slow motion blood, I'll watch a Sam Peckinpah flick - it'll take less time.

Also watched The Girl Next Door, which I found to be a charming little romantic comedy. I've become a fan of Emile Hirsch (ever since I first noticed him in The Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys), and I love the work of Timothy Olyphant and James Remar. Plus Elisha Cuthbert is beautiful. Worth watching simply for Olyphant as a freaky porn producer with the best line in the film: "It's a gift."

As I wrote yesterday, the kids are now out of school, and are taking the opportunity to sleep in today. However we have a counseling appointment later this morning, and a half hour later I have a meeting at Tyler's school. I got the summer school paperwork and filled it out. Now we'll see what he needs to do to move up to high school.

Being sick for a week has put me severely behind in my work, and I will need to devote some time to catching up over the next few days. And just as the sun is coming out. Meh.