After a craptacular morning yesterday, I got home and tried to write. No luck. Funny how fighting with your teenager can take all the wind out of your sails. I burned a bunch of CDs I'd promised the girl, ran a couple errands and crashed out for a much needed 2-1/2 hour nap.
I felt better, and was looking forward to counseling. Unfortunately it turned out to be a waste of time and money. Tyler kept playing with a helium balloon he'd found out in front of the community center, rolling around on the floor, and deflecting the counselor's questions. When both kids lapsed into a giggle fit, I gave up. Don't get me wrong - I love to see my kids happy. I live for those giggle fits. But I was also hoping we could make some progress on Tyler and his relationship with others in his family. Alas, it was not to be.
Got home with a black cloud over my head. Discovered Raechelle reading her book on the sofa. We chatted awhile, then walked down to grab some teryaki before walking up to Denny for Kayleigh's open house.
Let me reiterate: Raechelle went to my daughter's open house. She took notes and talked to the teachers. She's dissected the school website. She knows when picture day is. It's pretty damn close to being a real family.
I won't lie. Sometimes I see where we're going and I panic a little. You see, there's a bit of a security blanket to being a widower, a single dad. There's some social leeway in that status. You get sympathy. You get help. You can be antisocial at your whim and people chalk it up to grief. And there's also the fact that I got used to being a single dad. Sure, it's hard; it's damn near overwhelming sometimes. But I got to where I not only could do it, but I'm pretty proud of the fact that I navigated my own immediate grief while providing a loving and stable home for my kids, helped them through their grief (as much as I could), ran my household and a couple businesses, and even managed to date. For over three years. I kick ass.
So I have some idea as to what Raechelle is talking about - she finally got out of her "couple" identity and became a strong, single woman. And now, here we are. I guess the Universe doesn't tolerate getting too comfortable in a given situation.
At least Raechelle isn't the only one having mini-freakouts. Kind of evens the playing field. This is exactly what each of us wants... which is why it's so scary sometimes. It's the crest of the rollercoaster, just before the first drop. You know it's gonna be fun. And scary. And your stomach wants to crawl into your throat (and if you're a guy, your nuts want to follow suit).
It's a good panic.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch:
After Raechelle left, I finished up some emails and put the kids to bed, following suit immediately. Awoke at 4AM. Jeez. Finally rolled out of bed at 6, showered and dressed. Took Kayleigh to school, came home and crashed for an hour and a half. Exchanged some emails with the girl and finished this very blog post. Tyler's having some cold symptoms, so it's lucky I'm taking the kids in for physicals today.
Really looking forward to the weekend. Helping Dan & Trish move, looking at a couple houses, and of course there will be movies.