Here Comes the Sun

And I say... it's alright.

We had gorgeous weather yesterday. Spring seems to have spring, instantly and with a vengeance. As evidenced by TFMD's marathon sneezing jags. Wheeee!

After standing us up last week, Comcast sent their dude out to set up our revamped service. A new HD-capable set-top box and remote (to replace the ancient AT&T remote that dated back at least 10 years or more), a new cable modem, and phone service to replace Vonage. Gave us a package deal I couldn't refuse. And although I'm usually not down with monopolies, I haven't been screwed by Comcast... yet. What's nice is that, although the projector is not HD, we can still see the HD channels (and they look good, just not true HD on the projector). If and when we upgrade the projector, voila - instant HD. We also moved the old tiny cable box downstairs to the bedroom, and the guy gave us another new remote, so now we have all the channels and the on-screen guide in the bedroom. Nice for chilling in the sanctuary. Rae said she couldn't wait to get sick so she could lie in bed and watch cable all day.

It was an otherwise normal day, until Tyler came to me in the afternoon and asked me to buzz his hair off. After years of fighting haircuts at every turn, and cultivating a very "emo" look. He likes to keep us on our toes, that one. So I happily sat him down in the carport outside, and started with the biggest guard. "Can you go shorter?" he asked. Of course I can go shorter. So in about 3 or 4 passes, I had it down to the 1/2" guard, and he was pleased. He also asked me to shave off his "boy-stache", as he heard that it will grow in thicker if he keeps shaving it.

Before

After

My little boy is growing up. And he looks a lot like Sam. I was taken aback by the "after" photo I snapped. Anyway, he's happy with it and he looks great. And we took advantage of the weather and had a picnic dinner outside: hot dogs and potato salad.

By the time Castle rolled around, I was exhausted. Rae & I slept like two very immobile things, not waking up all night. And I must say, it's a lot easier to rise in the morning when the sun is already coming up.

This week is another emotional roller coaster. From the high of my grandparents' 68th wedding anniversary to the anxiety of my grandmother's repeat hospitalizations and colonoscopies, to the anniversary of my brother Matt's death, to the anniversary of Sam's death. But I'm just going to admire the sunshine and push through. I'm going to get some cucumber rolls for lunch and heat up some brown rice, and try not to think about the downside.

Yep, here comes the sun. And I say... it's alright.

Lows and Highs

I tried to stay distracted today. I tried to just put it out of my mind. But I don't think it will ever be possible to forget - nor do I think I should try to forget. It just is. It just was. The twenty years Sam and I spent together is, for better or worse, a part of who I am. The loss of that old life forged what was left of me at that rock bottom place into what I've become. There will always be a part of me that feels cheated by the Universe, by fate, by God, by whatever, for the loss of that life. And it would be so easy to be bitter, angry and play the victim.

But I'm not a victim. I'm a survivor. And there's a huge difference between the two.

And although I may feel a bit sad a couple days out of the year while I remember an important person in my life who is no longer here, it is not my full measure. It has never been.

I can observe an important loss AND be hopeful about the future. We're remarkably complex and resilient beings, we humans.

Yes, what keeps me smiling, even on the sad days, is this...